I am one of the many twin moms that opted for a scheduled C-Section over trying to deliver naturally. Because my boys are identical twins I was put into the ‘high risk’ category due to them sharing a placenta. This meant I had two doctors. One was keen to give a natural birth a go, the other stayed neutral and left it up to me. Because I had an extremely long and grueling birth with my daughter, ending in emergency C-Section, I decided to opt for a planned C-Section this time around.
Moreover, planning a vaginal birth does not necessarily mean that a woman will have one. In the study, 56 percent of the women delivered both twins vaginally, while roughly 40 percent had a C-section. The remaining 4 percent had a combination of vaginal and cesarean delivery. (C Pearson, Huffington Post)
This is what I’m calling ‘An Alternative Twin Birth Story’ because it’s a little silly at times, although always truthful. Having a scheduled C-Section is no laughing matter, but I hope to at least ease the worry with a little humor…
“Can I help you?” The receptionist asks as I waddle out of the elevator with my husband and suitcase in tow. “Er… yes? I’m here to have two babies?”
Despite arriving two hours before my scheduled c-section appointment, once at the hospital, it was all go. I change into a fetching gown and get plugged into a number of needles and monitors. It’s pretty much that scene from The Matrix, with a little less goo. And instead of shaving my head they get busy with the razor down below.
I hadn’t been allowed to eat after midnight, which is just cruel when you’re eating for three. By 9am I’m already considering breaking the rules and turning my babies into Gremlins via the emergency food rations in my bag. I always wondered about that movie… what time was it safe to start feeding Gizmo again?
I’m wheeled towards the operating theatre, which feels like it’s in the basement somewhere. There are no windows, and it is eerily quiet in the corridor.
I’m parked for a while and everyone around me seems to have a job to do but me. I’m propped on the bed waiting… twiddling my thumbs, my heart rate slowly rising in mild panic, yet I’m somehow still thinking about how many double cheeseburgers I could eat.
We move on into some kind of lobby area, and the temperature suddenly drops. It feels like I just arrived at the kitchen of the Ice Palace from Frozen and Elsa has thrown another diva fit. Calm down love, I’m trying to birth a couple of babies here.
Once in the room where the magic happens, things seem to exponentially speed up. The phone keeps ringing because there’s a c-section back-log emerging; everyone is feeling too posh to push today. I am helped to a seated position for the spinal tap, “Bend over please.” the anesthesiologist says. Err… have you ever tried bending over in a seated position with a jumbo twin bump? It is not possible. “More please,” he says again.
I manage to slide off the bed a little to give myself more leverage and brace myself for the needle. With Elsa still having a tantrum, it’s near impossible to sit still without shivering.
I am sure the anesthesiologist is going to miss and leave me with one very numb kidney.
Luckily for me, he’s used to a moving target, and all goes well except it’s more painful than I remember from my emergency C-Section with my daughter.
Still, it seems to be working and the numbness has started to kick in. My Obstetrician walks in all happy and smiles, which put me at ease. She looks like a TV doctor, her hair and makeup always fresh, and her outfits always look like she has a personal stylist. Today is no exception, she’s bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and eager to get started.
Now, I’ve watched every episode of Grey’s Anatomy, so I know doctors only ever work and have sex (at work), so I’m starting to wonder how much coffee she drinks. Look at her hands – check they’re not shaking. After all, this woman is about to pick up a scalpel and she looks unnervingly excited about it.
Meredith had asked me on a previous visit how I felt about having a clear screen between me and the business end during the scheduled c-section. The screens were new-in and she was desperate to give one a go – I told you she was keen. I was kind of on the fence about it until she warned that she would be “removing the uterus from my body to sew it back up, and then popping it back in again.” That, along with all the placenta stuff sounded like something out of The Walking Dead so I decided to opt for the classic opaque screen instead.
What doc failed to mention was that a mirror was conveniently fixed to the operating room ceiling, meaning the make-up of the screen was totally irrelevant.
Yes, I could see all the action, and despite the initial panic that I might pass out, I actually really enjoyed watching (out of the corner of one very squinty eye).
Quickly after Doc gets busy, I feel the gush of Baby A’s water being broken. It’s like that moment in Pulp Fiction where Uma Thurman suddenly wakes from her overdose… I could breathe! When you’re pregnant with twins you sacrifice the ability to breathe for sake of the second baby. So as George arrived into the world I took a deep breath for the first time in two months.
I hear George cry straight away, which is such a relief, and I can’t really remember whether I saw him before Arthur was out the hatch, hot on his heels. Either way, they were both being weighed and poked when doc called out “and that’s a mono-di placenta!” in her usual excited manner.
I felt like a medical marvel… me and my mono-di placenta, please take a bow.
We deserved a chariot of fire and a round of applause like Katniss and Peeta from The Hunger Games. Yes, we’d done it and the scheduled c-section was a success. Me, Peeta the placenta, my glamorous coffee fuelled doctor and her many helpers. Last but not least so had my husband – dressed in scrubs and armed with a slight shade of green and a trigger-happy iPhone finger. And I’m glad I didn’t raid the snack stash because there isn’t a Gremlin in sight, just two perfect baby boys, snuggled up on my chest while my insides are enthusiastically put back where they came from.
October 6, 2016 at 1:38 pm
Love the post- twin mama myself! The pics made me smile 🙂
Subscribed to your blog and made sure to like your fb page!
October 6, 2016 at 2:24 pm
Thanks, I enjoy your posts too!!
October 6, 2016 at 1:44 pm
I loved, loved, LOVED this post!! I laughed so hard that I have tears running down my face.
Thanks for joining #momsterslink and giving me a shot as your guest host for the week!
October 6, 2016 at 2:26 pm
So glad you liked it, I laughed today because I found this post has made it into the ‘horror movie’ category on StumbleUpon ? I suppose I should change it but I might leave it there for a while just for fun ?
October 6, 2016 at 1:51 pm
Brings back memories. Hmm.
I am impressed by your doc–I never look all put together, and have usually been recently peed on.
Best of luck with the babies!
October 6, 2016 at 2:27 pm
Thank you! They are 10months now and all kinds of work 🙂
October 6, 2016 at 3:59 pm
What a lovely photo at the end. I had an unplanned csection but the OH didn’t come in which means I have exactly no photos apart from later on when we’re back on the post natal ward and I’ve taken some.
October 6, 2016 at 4:04 pm
I had an unplanned csection with my older daughter and it was a very different experience! No photos then either. Thanks for reading 🙂
Rachel George, Ordinary Hopes
October 7, 2016 at 10:13 am
Next time there are going to be Freddy Kruger photos you need to warn me! I am of a nervous disposition! Love the humour.x
October 7, 2016 at 10:20 am
Katy - Hot Pink Wellingtons
October 7, 2016 at 12:19 pm
I loved this post! I was smiling the whole way through. I think I’d definitely have been too queasy to opt for that clear screen, I was feeling a bit iffy just at the description of the insides being put back in! Thanks so much for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove
October 7, 2016 at 1:42 pm
Apologies for putting you off your dinner 😉
October 8, 2016 at 3:23 am
Oh wow what a beautiful picture at the end and what a brilliant way to tell your story, I really enjoyed it thank you. I too have watched every episode of greys anatomy and am somewhat suspicious of doctors, especially the uber glam ones lol! I’m pleased to hear it all went so well. Thank you for sharing it with us at #familyfun xx
October 8, 2016 at 8:23 am
Thank you! I’m pretty much suspicious of all glamorous people… what are they hiding? 😉
Karen | TwoTinyHands
October 9, 2016 at 2:07 am
Absolutely gorgeous post, you make it all sound so easy! Love your pictures and the analogies throughout! Yay for twin mamas!! Thanks for linking up to #familyfun
October 9, 2016 at 6:43 am
Getting them out was definitely easier than carrying them for the last month! Hahaha. Thanks for reading 🙂
Laura - dear bear and beany
October 10, 2016 at 1:39 pm
Loved this! Had me smiling all the way to the end and finished with that gorgeous photo. Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove x
October 12, 2016 at 11:07 pm
Brilliant. I love read everyone’s birth stories of how their children entered the world and you managed to add lots of laughter to you story. Very clever linking it to film’s and TV shows. Great post. #sharingthelove
October 13, 2016 at 8:00 am
Thank you ?
October 13, 2016 at 1:36 am
Loved this! It definitely got me giggling, I think I would have gone for the clear screen!! #SharingTheBlogLove
October 13, 2016 at 8:01 am
A lady with balls… you’re braver than me! ?
October 13, 2016 at 2:11 am
This is too funny. The way you have connected the situation to the movies is priceless! 🙂 #sharingthebloglove
October 13, 2016 at 8:02 am
I’m so glad this made people laugh and not cry with horror ? Thanks for reading!
Alana - Burnished Chaos
October 13, 2016 at 5:29 am
Love this. I had a csection too and I felt the room turn to ice as well. I also struggled bending far enough forward for the needle and I on,y had one in there! Love all the movies references too, you’ve put a big smile on my face. Gorgeous pic of the three of you x
October 13, 2016 at 8:03 am
Thanks! I love that picture, such a magic moment, despite the horrors going on behind the screen!
Susie at This Is Me Now
October 13, 2016 at 12:26 pm
Hahaha! A great post, so funny! I ant believe there was a mirror on the ceiling though!! #sharingthebloglove
October 13, 2016 at 1:08 pm
I know! I had no idea that was a thing ?
October 13, 2016 at 1:46 pm
Lovely story. I would be fascinated about watching the operation, it’ s the downside of a vaginal birth. With my second I put my hand down and felt the head, but I still couldn’t see anything and my partner is rubbish at photography.
October 13, 2016 at 2:14 pm
Maybe next time you can have a mirror on the floor and deliver standing up! Haha… I reckon it would work!
October 13, 2016 at 6:45 pm
Fab take on this! I don’t think I would have looked up to watch a mirror during my c-section at all. I was totally out of it though to be honest. mine wasn’t planned! #sharingthebloglove
October 13, 2016 at 7:22 pm
My first C-Section wasn’t planned either so I know what you mean about being out of it. It’s actually a blessing in disguise as you don’t think about what’s happening! ??
Laura @ Life with Baby Kicks
October 14, 2016 at 1:12 am
I love this!!! And so didn’t realise they take it out and sew it up and put it back, so glad I didn’t see mine! #sharingthebloglove
October 14, 2016 at 6:39 am
I know… so gross!! ?
October 14, 2016 at 3:17 am
Brilliant!! Just Brilliant!!:) Made me laugh and feel for you at the same time..
October 14, 2016 at 6:41 am
Thanks! You’ve gotta laugh in difficult situations, it helps you make it through!!
Emma Plus Three
October 14, 2016 at 4:02 am
Haha great post. I had planned c-sections with both of my two too x #sharingthebloglove
October 14, 2016 at 6:43 am
I hope you were spared the mirror!
October 15, 2016 at 8:02 am
This is a very funny post. Congratulations!! I am also a twin mummy and yes I can relate to sacrificing the ability to breath for the sake of the second twin – I could not have put it better myself! xx
February 2, 2017 at 6:15 pm
Best birth story post I’ve ever read lol
Sharing the Blog Love - Showcase 16 - Hot Pink Wellingtons
May 17, 2017 at 4:10 am
[…] admit I’m not in any way a funny blogger, but I do love a post that puts a smile on my face. A Scheduled C-Section and a Trip to the Movies was just that – a really funny look at a C-section birth story, with numerous film analogies […]