Top Ten Ways to Move a Sleeping Baby.

You arrive home in the car and open the back door to find a baby (or two) fast asleep. If only you could do a tactical transplant to the crib? Here are the top ten ways to move a sleeping baby:

sleeping baby

1. Slowly. Undo the straps, pause. Remove arms from straps, pause. Slide hands behind head, pause. It might take most of nap time to get him to bed but he’ll be none the wiser.

2. Quickly. Babies have the ability to wake randomly, scream and then instantly fall back to sleep. Use this to your advantage by frantically wrestling baby out of the car, chucking them into their crib and closing the door. You’ll likely stand outside holding your breath to see if he goes back to sleep but it might actually work.

3. The Yoga Transplant. This is my favored technique. It’s important to get ‘in-the-zone’ first with some deep breathing and a little shake out. You’re aiming for continuous smooth movement accompanied by rhythmic breathing. Feel the movement, go with the flow and be confident yet gentle.

4. The Lullaby. Remove your child in the usual manner but accompany the action with a lullaby. The success of this will likely depend on your singing skills and therefore I am currently running on a 0% win rate.

5. Don’t move them. I quite often do this if I realize they’re asleep while I’m still driving. Divert through Starbucks drive-through, turn up the radio ever so slightly and enjoy the view of the parking lot. Accompanied with a browse through Facebook and a some people watching you can have quite the afternoon.

6. The Hypnotist. Pull out your best Derren Brown impression and talk quietly to your baby. Start before you touch, telling him how ready he is for naptime – ooze mind-control. Talk repetitively and continuously until baby is in bed, using trigger words like sleepy-sleep, naptastic and shhh…

7. The Masseuse. Rub baby’s feet, hands and temples in an anti-clockwise motion. Follow this with gentle tickles down the legs and arms before carefully removing baby from the car and placing over your shoulder. Pat bottom repeatedly until you reach the crib. OK… I haven’t actually tried this but I have a good feeling about it.

8. The Rocker. More rock-a-by-baby than leather pants and mosh-pits, the Rocker requires rhythm. Undo and remove arms from straps, then pause. Start to rock/giggle the car seat in a rhythmic motion and hope baby doesn’t wake up. When you’re ready, scoop baby up while keeping up the same rock/giggle until you get him to bed.

9. Act like nothing happened. Just remove your baby from the seat like normal. They’ll probably wake up and expect an afternoon snack so whatever you do DON’T make eye contact. Confidently pretend you haven’t notice that they’re totally awake and just put them straight to bed anyway. If you believe it enough they might just join in.

10. The Defeatist. Just don’t even bother. The look of disappointment and desperation on your face just might be enough for a sympathy vote and baby might go back to sleep. It’s unlikely but there’s always hope.

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Baby essentials for the Zombie Apocalypse

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Last night I made applesauce. Anyone that’s made family sized batches of applesauce knows that it’s very dull peeling that many apples. So I got thinking… when is the latest series of The Walking Dead going to arrive on Netflix? And that got me thinking… would I be able to find apples during a zombie apocalypse? And… what would I carry in my diaper bag if it actually happened? While the apples are boiling I do some research.

A quick google search reveals the extent to which some people are prepared for this possibility – Zombie Preppers – it’s an actual thing. However, my browsing of prepper sites for help with families can be summed up by this image:

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Apparently kids are too slow, too loud and too delicious to resist. Although this is probably true, I consider myself an optimist, and would like to make a contribution to the zombie prepping community with my top 5 essentials for a baby friendly zombie apocalypse…

Transportation. You’re going to be on the move, probably at high speed because zombies just don’t seem to be as slow as they used to be. You could go for the ‘war stroller’ deisgned by Chinese artist Shi Jinsong, but personally I’m not sure this is going to work for sudden changes in terrain or hiding under cars. I would highly recommend the camo baby carrier by Quokkajoy, although if you’ve got the budget for both I say splurge.


Food. Now most preppers are essentially hoarders and will revel in a huge stash of tinned food and water in their garage or bunker depending on how many marbles they’ve lost. But… when the zombies come to your house, which they will, tins are going to slow you down.  I found very useful for my research on this topic, as they feature a detailed meal plan and even a workout regime made specifically for the zombie apocalypse. Afterall, nutrition is important, and just because the undead is at the door, it doesn’t mean standards have to drop. Therefore, from the featured meal plan I have picked an item from each food group to take with me: Cheerios, peanut butter, raisons, powdered milk and water. To be honest my bag’s already packed for the zombie apocalypse, I’m more prepared than I thought.

Clothes. There are two choices here, we either blend in with our surroundings or we stick with the tried and tested method of dressing as a zombie. Any old torn clothes will do for the latter, spattered with blood zombies really can’t tell the difference. For those mornings you just don’t have time for the makeup, you may want to just stick with regular camo like this onesie from Cabela’s.

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Diapers. Crunchy mamas everywhere are going to be in their element in the zombie apocalypse. Your stash of pampers is going to run thin pretty quick so be prepared to go cloth. Yes, the washing and drying may be tricky while on the move but if a woman can run a marathon while pumping breastmilk (if you haven’t read that article find it here), you can conquer cloth diapering like a granola queen. Lucky for us, Etsy is filled with appropriately themed bum attire, perfect for any Little Ass Kicker (links in photos if you just need one now).




Diaper Bag. I am generally anti diaper bag and stick with a standard purse as much as possible… do we have to give up all sense of style the moment we give birth? But in this instance practicality wins out and you are going to need a serious bag. You may want to consider swapping out your wipe-clean polka dot shoulder bag for something more like the ‘Explorer Tactical Gun Concealment Backpack’. It comes hydration ready (not quite sure what that means but it sounds useful for the apocalypse) with multiple gun pockets and zipper compartments. Perfect.


So we’re baby prepped for the zombie apocalypse and feeling ready for anything. And just in case you’re wondering what other supplies you may need in your new diaper bag, I leave you with this useful video made by someone that has spent considerable more time thinking about these things. He must really like applesauce…

Boys playing with girl toys? Careful now…

When multi-million dollar corporations start sending me free stuff to review my boys can have some boy toys. But for now the poor things will have to do with big sisters hand-me-downs. Yes, I’m officially going to risk turning my boys into transsexual perverts by allowing them to play with girl toys. In the name of science and mom blogging I will allow identical twins to review and pick their favourite girl toy, which I can only presume will be the most blue, macho looking toy because that’s what boys like, apparently. But don’t worry, as a precaution against instant limp-wristedness they are wearing their football themed outfits from the boy section of Target…

First up: My Little Pony Equestria Girls v Barbieboys playing with girl toys

Stage 1: Overview. George ponders whether he wants to play with Equestria Girl… “well she is blue, so I suppose its OK. But is it wrong that I kind of like her shoes?” Arthur, well he’s in total shock… “This is definitely a girl toy Mom, its wearing a pink glitter skirt, are you sure it’s safe?”

Stage 2: The shake test. Pretty standard testing for any new toy – shake it to see what moves and wobbles, and check if it makes any cool noises.

Stage 3: Close inspection. Poke the eyes, scrunch the clothes and stroke the hair in as manly a way as possible. Can I pull anything off? is it edible? So far so good.


Stage 4: The boy test. George proves he’s-the-man by getting Equestria Girl to do the splits and looking up her skirt. Arthur looks on in horror, he didn’t know girl stuff could do that! He needs Equestria Girl immediately to redeem his sense of masculinity – George, sorry buddy.

Winner: Equestria Girl… probably because she’s blue and a bit slutty.

Next: American Girl Doll v Corolle Doll


“Mom… er… you gave me the pink one again. And George’s is bigger, and us boys know size matters… this is SO unfair. I think I need to wash my hands, this girl stuff is starting to rub off.”


I could see where this was headed so I thought I’d intervene and give Arthur one of American Girl’s slippers, afterall, even boys wear slippers. It turns out slippers taste pretty good so George wanted a piece of slipper action too. I tried swapping the dolls over – you know, to make it a fair test, but by then it was all about the edibles.

Winner: American Girl Slippers… because even men where slippers.

Last but not least:  Elsa from Frozen v Calico Critters


George is stumped “Mom, this one is definitely a girl’s toy and Arthur looks like he has something dressed in a men’s blazer.” Arthur is very pleased indeed for he has scored a male Calico Critter, it’s so macho it’s practically a Ninja Turtle.

Shake test… check. George looking up Elsa’s skirt… standard. Then Arthur decides he’s escaping with Mr Critter while he can. George is definitely going to want to steal it afterall.

Winner: Calico Critter… because its wearing a grandpa blazer.

But hang on, what’s happening here? George couldn’t care less he’s stuck with Elsa and her disappointingly long skirt…


Turns out George is man enough to play with the snow princess… screw you Grandpa Ninja Critter.

I do have a point to make here.

I don’t stop my daughter playing with Barbie and Elsa, she loves all things girly, pink and purple – especially if they have glitter and unicorns that fart rainbows – and that’s OK. She also loves Paw Patrol, Skylanders and weird Manga cartoons on Netflix. She was disappointed when Party City put Paw Patrol in the boys isle. She was disappointed when Ronald McDonald put skylanders in the boy happy meal. I’ve talked to her about it many times and she’s coming round, but I can tell shopping in the boy isle still feels a little ‘dirty’ in the same way she refused to borrow a friends T-Shirt because “its a boy t-shirt.” To be six and feel tainted by wearing a boy t-shirt to splash about in the yard is sad; and I only hope I can help her to become free-thinking and independent in the future.

But why is Lego City in the boy isle in Walmart? When I was young (yes I did actually just say that) all the lego was ‘Lego City’ and it was unisex in a non-intentional kind of a way. Why when you drive through McDonalds (not that I ever do that…ahem), do they ask you if your happy meal is for a girl or a boy? Why don’t they just ask if you want SpongeBob or Monster High? Or better still just give everyone SpongeBob? It boils my blood everytime! Grrr…

As for the boys… now they’ve spent the afternoon playing with girl toys I don’t hold out much hope for them. It’s high school musical and guy-liner from here on in.


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Cats and babies… household safari.



[Best Attenborough voice required]
As the adolescent feline curiously scans the room for a play mate, two infant homosapiens drag themselves slowly towards their prey. As one gains distance on the other, it becomes a battle of dominance between the siblings. Who will win the prize?

[Enough Attenborough for now]

Why oh why does the cat keep coming back for more? She parades around to get their attention, lies seductively a little ahead, waiting, knowing that two commando crawling babies are going to drag themselves excitedly over to her. She knows whichever baby gets to her first is going to grab her tail with one hand and her face with the other, while simultaneously burying their snotty dribbly faces into her belly fur with a big baby moan of pleasure. The winning baby will turn and look at mommy, so proud at what they’ve achieved but with a slight look of guilt becaue they know I’m on my way to save her from their cuddles. She whines and yelps for help as they pull her tail and scrunch her ears, yet once I’ve rescued her she just goes straight back to them again and the whole process starts over again. Does she actually like it? Maybe she just likes being rescued – a damsel in distress complex?


I’m spending far too much of my day extracting this deranged furry beast from the clutches of the twins, which is usually followed by a good hand wash because they are magnetized to the butt and seem determined to take her temperature with their finger.

According to, babies are attracted to animals because they are unpredictable, while giving your little one the opportunity to process new sounds and textures. My cat doesn’t seem to be unpredictable at all – she chooses self sacrifice everytime. and to add more confusion, during the attack she not only yelps in what I presume is pain, she purrs simultaneously. Maybe its true love?

Maybe its because as Guardia Cross says… Babies and cats are exactly the same… I just love this video from The New Father Chronicles:


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Developmental Milestones: Can your baby breakdance yet?

developmental milestones

My first born was, and still is my over-achiever baby. She rolled earlier than expected, crawled on schedule, and picked up talking and reading so early I smugly revelled in many a proud moment as my toddler read out the title of a pamphlet in the doctor’s waiting room. But this time round, not so much…

My boys have the unfortunate combination of being huge for their age (they’re wearing 18mth clothes at 9 months), but behind on development milestones. Yes, I said it… they are ‘a little behind’ (Although when I say it in conversation people look at me like I’m dissing my own children), and their proportion means everyone thinks they can ‘do’ more than they actually can. At the gym a month or so ago – lets be honest, that was probably the last time I went – I checked in my boys and handed over one chunky monkey to a confident young girl a the childcare center.  She promptly plonked him down on the floor beside her while she came back for his brother. It was one of those slo-mo mom moments when you can see what is happening but are unable to move your limbs fast enough… and I have the reactive response of a sloth, so I watched him slump from his sit and topple to the side, bumping his head on the wall. Lots of crying and cuddles required, and I left feeling grumpy that my need for a better butt had resulted in injury to my not so little one. “I thought he could sit.” She said. And who can blame her, he practically looks ready for kindergarten but has the skills of a baby three month younger.

I don’t mind waiting… their pediatrician isn’t concerned so I shouldn’t be. But still the questions… “Are they nearly walking?” No they’re not actually, and now I feel like an inadequate mother, for no sensible reason what so ever. Other Moms agree, it’s family that are the worst culprits for it. Granny wants bragging rights when she visits the country club “Oh and he is clearly a talented musician because he can already play Incy Wincy Spider on the xelophone you know.” My boys also suffer from having an over-achieving cousin three months younger, meaning there is the constant comparison… even though when they FaceTime each-other they don’t seem to mind at all, dribbly grins all round.

I used to babble justifications at people “they were 4wks premature,” “twins are often behind schedule,” “it’s the weight of their giant heads…” but to be honest its feels better just to say “they’re behind but they’ll get there.”, whether its to the person in front of you or repeating back to yourself in your manic mommy brain. So if you’re baby’s not breakdancing yet, you’re not alone in the wait, and remember that everyone’s quick to brag but there is probably just as many moms silently panicking that Mr Jelly-Legs will never walk. The milestone guidelines are broad and I find the ‘speak to your pediatrician if…’ sections on this link reassuring:

And because it’s totally cute, here’s a baby actually trying to breakdance:

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