Listen up kids… My daughter is six and she is an expert in avoiding chores, homework or basically anything she thinks is rubbish. Here’s her guide which I’ve aptly named Poopcrastination: A child’s guide to answering difficult questions.
1. When your parents ask you to tidy your room, just tell them you “need a really long poo.” Mom let’s me read books while I sit on the toilet so I can just wait until my legs go numb.
2. When Mom asks you why you haven’t brushed your teeth yet, say “I’m sorry Mom, I got really distracted talking to myself.” It’ll buy you another five minutes of pulling faces in the mirror before she actually gets angry.
3. If you’ve already started ‘tidying’, just put the toys in and back out of the box multiple times. It’ll look like you’re working hard even though you’re actually playing peekaboo with your My Little Pony Equestria Girls.
4. At the suggestion of pretty much anything you don’t want to do, just flop dramatically onto the floor, exhaling loudly and say “I’m too tired.”. This works anytime you want to use the word ‘bored’. Just replace with ‘tired’, it’s pretty much the same thing but goes down better with the Olds.
5. I knew my brothers would come on handy at some point… When you’re asked why you haven’t put your clothes on yet, just say “I was playing with my brothers, they needed cheering up.”. It’s very important being a big sister you know.
6. When you’re asked why you lost a reward penny at school, just say “I can’t remember”. If you can’t remember it didn’t happen, right? This response is also perfect for questions such as “How did you do in your math test?” and “Did you eat all your lunch?”.
7. When you go upstairs to get on with your duties, make sure to take the cat with you. You can silently play for some time before Mom realizes you haven’t even started yet. Kitty love is important too you know.
8. If Mom shouts upstairs “How’s the tidying going?”, be sure to reply with an over-enthusiastic “GREAT!”. You might buy an extra five minutes before she comes to check just how great it’s going.
So just in case you haven’t already mastered the art of procrastination, try some of these techniques to drag out any five minute job and turn it into an all day thing.
Enjoy your poopcrastination children 🙂
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